Hookers, Infomercials, and Horror

I fucking detest infomercials. I detest the people who are pitching useless shit in the wee hours of the morning. Why? Well, I think it boils down to the fact that they are praying upon those with a real problem -- weight loss, acne, small penis, ad infinitum -- and the products aren't worthy of being sold in a retail environment. Plus, the products are pitched to drunken insomniacs.

Seriously, do you really need a Slap 'n Chop? A Magic Bullet? An "ionic" air filter? A Sham Wow?

It was with no small measure of glee that I said "HA! GOOD!" when I learned from the Smoking Gun that the worst of the worst, "Vince the Sham Wow Guy" was arrested. I use the word hate too liberally, I know. Perhaps he's a nice guy.

But I fucking hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate his hair. I hate his voice. I hate him saying "call within the next 20 minutes, because we can't give this deal all day," even though the same infomercial runs for weeks upon weeks.

Add Billy Mays to the list. Stop frickin' shouting at me. Seriously, dude. I don't care how wildly you gesticulate, how loudly you implore me to buy a piece of plastic crap, nor am I hypnotized by your dye-job goatee.

Look, I feel really badly for the hooker who was beaten by Vince. I do. I really do. Nobody deserves that. My hope is that she can somehow parlay this experience into making huge bucks from one of the bazillion tabloid print and/or televised media outlets.

I'm left baffled by the fact that "Prosecutors this month declined to pursue formal charges against either brawler." Wh-wh-wh-what? So a guy can beat the living crap out of a hooker and not be charged? Is it because she's a hooker? Is it because Vince sells the fucking Sham Wow? Seriously? WTF?

But how's the bike?

Especially on the first few motorcycle rides of the season, I find myself diligently practicing the SIPDE (Scan Identify Predict Determine Execute) collision avoidance awareness technique. I don't think that I would have ever assigned a turkey flying into my chest as a potential threat.

On Sunday a rider was injured after being knocked off his motorcycle when a turkey collided with him.

Two questions immediately spring to mind. First, what about the bike? Was she okay? And secondly, the article states that the passenger kept the turkey, which was killed in the accident. Did they eat it? I would have.