The [Bullshit] Wife's Bill of Rights

Why do people publish absolute crap that perpetuate the "husband versus wife" bullshit?

This makes me so pissed off that I'm hesitant to respond. Jill Adler's article is the biggest load of mass media shit I've read in a long, long time. It was written by a struggling "freelance writer" for MSN. I speculate about the reason why this piece of crap pisses me off so much ... is that she's either not married and is whoring herself to write what she thinks is "publishable," or she's a fucking idiot.

Fair disclosure, you can read the full article here, but to save you time and sanity, I've copied just about every piece of shit with my responses below. I'm not bothering to write a stand-alone Bill of Rights for Husbands. I know that I only get a few hundred unique visitors per week, so this is only for you .... Skiver guys and gals.

The Wife's Bill of Rights

Jill Adler:

Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgment of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.

Don: Yeah. We, the husbands of America love being married to our wives. Um, that's why we got married. We know we have our faults, and welcome to the real world. There's a lot of pressure on us, the husbands, to be superhuman. Taxes rising? Work harder. Gas prices rising? Work harder. College cost increasing? Work harder. A son or daughter going to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan? Work harder to ensure they can come home and get a hand up, not a hand out. We know our responsibilities.

Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Don: Yep. You're absolutely within your rights to dislike my buddies. It is also indeed very important for a husband to have guy friends at my house. Why? Because you have absolutely no clue why a batter will bunt with one out and a man on third base. You have absolutey no clue why a football team would shift to a 4-3 defense depending upon the strength of the opposition's offense. Because you have absolutely no clue why it's important for your home team's hockey goon to beat the crap out of the second shift's goal scorer when your team is down by 4-1 with two games left in a playoff series. Goodness gracious. You can laugh and think this is all funny, but LISTEN TO US MEN. It's not funny. This is why we go to work. We want to pay the bills, raise our kids to be productive members of our society, God bless them if they join the military, and have lots and lots of kids for us to enjoy in our old age.

Leave our buddies alone. If the most important thing in your life if the wax layer on your coffee table, go find a really good therapist .... STAT. Wow, do you ever need to take a long and hard look at life's priorities.

So, yeah, it's very important to us that we're concerned about "which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade." Do you honestly expect us to be concerned about which contestant will be kicked off American Idol? No? Hmmm. Shut up.


Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Don: Whenever a woman starts bitching more than normal, any wise man will shut the hell up, smile, say "yes dear, what a hard day you must have had," get a beer from the refrigerator, and watch the baseball game. A footrub is only for bonus points. But beware, she'll want more in the future -- just like a government entitlement program. All kidding aside ... a hug is an easy and quick way to appease your wife. Plus it's nice for you too. Then go watch the baseball game. You're out of trouble and you're watching sports.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Don: Shut up. You've got to be kidding me. We mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, and did I mention make the money which pays for the water which comes from the faucet for the dishes to be washed? Are you frigging kidding me? If I wash the dishes then please be a good wife and give me a big kiss and squeeze my ass and say "thank you for helping." If I bag the trash, acknowledge that I had the forethought to do something productive and helpful. If I start a load of laundry, celebrate the fact that I'm a husband that knows there's dirty laundry and did something to alleviate the workload.

Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Don: You have the right to an honest answer to "what's wrong?" You've got to be fucking kidding. You admit guilt in this area too? When will women learn that men are VERY SIMPLE CREATURES. We want to have kids, raise them, put food on our tables, drink beer, watch sports, and have sex. That's it. Honestly, no joking around here. There are countless comedians who have made their livings about this topic, but I'm breaking the "man code." That's the instruction manual. No bullshit. Seriously. No, really, that's it. We're that simple.

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Don: I couldn't care less about your secrets. Next question.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Don: Burping in front of you or the kids if fine. Farting (audibly) is never acceptable. See? We can agree on something!

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Don: I couldn't give a crap about your "girly bathroom products." Is this even an issue? If so, I think women are looking to pick a fight under duress of PMS. See above.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Don: These arguments are getting extremely weak. I don't care a whiff if you talk with your girlfriend for hours upon hours. I hope you enjoy the time. Seriously, I really do. Just please make sure dinner is ready within a reasonable timeframe and that you don't relay all the details of your conversation. I don't care. The baseball game is on TV. See the above notes about what men really want. THIS IS NOT COMEDY. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. No matter how many times women hear that statement, they will giggle and think "not MY guy." Yes. Your guy.

Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Don: Flirting is great. Keeping within the definition flirting, husbands are okay with it. If the guy grabs your ass, we reserve all rights to revert to our maturity we had at the age of 18.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

Don: Foreplay? Foreplay leading to what? Sex? What's that? Oh! I remember! Here's a reminder to every wife in the world . . . see Amendment IV. And because I've already broken a number of rules which will surely get me kicked out of the Man Club, we really enjoy foreplay and cuddling too. If you're in a relationship in which your husband regularly is expected to "reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten," you need a new husband.

I beg the forgiveness to whomever I may have offended by this post. I also beg of those I have offended to carefully consider the points put forth. I'd appreciate supportive comments, although I imagine they'll be few and far between.

Last note --- everything I've written is serious. Certified 100% comedy free!

Oh, I lied. One last, last note. Thanks to the person to whom thanks is deserved for putting me onto this issue.

Okay, I lied again. I sent a hyperlink to this blog post to Jill. I'm feeling squeamish about calling her an idiot ... but not that much. She has much to learn about marriage or truthful journalism. Sincerely for her sake, I hope she embraces the former.